Showing posts with label Afraid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Afraid. Show all posts

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Hero of Humiliation

365 Days of Creativity

day one hundred and fifteen


Everyday I hang myself
I nail myself
I staple myself to the wall

Everyday I bleed myself
I let myself
I rub my blood out in the hall

Everyday I hate myself
berate myself
I get out of bed and mandate myself
to update myself
to curate myself
Artist the fuck up and create myself

Everyday I design myself
define myself
I put on my face and outline myself

Everyday I dissect myself
I correct myself
Take out my parts and infect myself

I change myself
rearrange myself
I paint all my organs and stain myself

Everyday I reword myself
martyr myself
Use the strings from the Beats to suture myself

I collect myself
Resurrect myself
My volition in life; to perfect myself

If I fail myself
derail myself
I'll have nothing but a cheap veil of myself;
a shattered bulb 
a melted fuse
a pack of matches burned and used.

No supernova, 
glory,
fame.
No concrete star,
with golden name.

Forgotten, faded,
dusty muse.
Mona Lisa,
cut and bruised.
My blood still smeared all down the hall,
my skin still nailed up to the wall.
My body scarred from mutilation,
mapped attempts at self-creation.
A jagged, 
torn up,
constellation,
The Hero of Humiliation.

Don't we all fear failure's kiss?
For if you shoot 
for the moon 
and miss,
you'll rot away in the abyss.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Coup De Grace


365 Days of Creativity


day one hundred and fourteen



will you live with me in poverty?
will you stay with me till broke?


will you take my hand and walk with me?
will you hate that I still smoke?

will you let me buy my cigarettes
when it’s them or food to eat

will you let me dodge my student debt?
will you help me steal and cheat?

will you let me write on anything?
even our own sex?

will you hold me down and call my name?
will you be my worst regret?

will you tie your fingers in my hair
on the nights that I can’t sleep

can you watch strange films with me?
can you stand my brazen cheek?

will you run away when I get scared?
will you stay here when I go?

will you judge my nasty vices dear?
will you laugh at all my jokes?

can I bite your neck all night
can I wear your clothes


do you mind that I can’t cook a thing?
do you mind that I can’t even sing?
do you care that I can’t stand myself?
do you think that I’m an easy fling?


Will you leave me when I do too much
or will you hold me while I shake

will you let me wear more ink than cloth?
will you hunt the demons that I’ve got?

will you help me kill my darlings true?
will you love me when my beauty’s through?

will you hold my skin while it rots off?
will you drink my blood when it’s got clots?

will you cut me open when I’m dead?
will you share for free what I have said?

will you keep my heart in a glass jar?
will you sell my teeth at a bazaar?

will you read my bones to know your fate?
will you let my innards dress your cake?

Will you take all that I’ve ever done
and show it to the midnight sun
can you leave me lying on the ice
so I never know true paradise

For I want to wander this damned place
until your body’s in decay
and when you can’t stand another day
I’ll deliver your sweet coupe de grace

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Hate Me


365 Days of Creativity

day one hundred and eleven

skip me, shun me
never touch me,
don't give in to my rushed lusting

bend me, break me
just forsake me,
leave me to my wild chasings

lose me, leave me
don't believe me,
when I say you'd get me screaming

haunt me, flaunt me
mock and taunt me,
tell the world you'll never want me

grab me, stab me
never have me,
tell me how you cannot stand me

fry me, tie me
crucify me,
leave me cuffed up; hang and dry me

beat me, bruise me
over-use me,
screw, abuse and tear into me

throw me, blow me
get below me,
show me how you'll never stroke me

rip me, rape me
tongue and take me,
come inside and rearrange me

cut me, gut me
shame and smut me,
rip my heart out while you fuck me

kick me, ditch me
pull-unstitch me,
spread my limbs and leave me twitching

tie me, lye-formaldehyde me,
out of sight and out of mind me,
live your life while I am dying,
pray no one will ever find me.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Under the Moon

365 Days of Creativity

day ninety eight

It was cold that night in the middle of June
When I slept outside, well lit up by the moon
and I took out my knife
and I started to spoon
Out the black spots inside
All the targets of gloom

And I dug in real deep
And I cut to the core
for my reason to bleed
happened one moon before
I had seen a man drown
while I stood on the shore

He had been on a ship
A small wooden craft
but a ship cannot sail
on a sharp coral path
his billowing sails
fell shallow and flat
Quickly he sunk
without rowboat or raft
There was lightning above
with great thunder come aft
I heard him cry out for help
As I stood there-
                          -and laughed

Thus days ago thirty,
my soul became dirty
and I have been suffering hence
So to regain my virtue
I've stayed out past curfew
and bloodied my blade to repent
With la luna above me
I cut out my guts justly
removing my organ of guilt;

"Please do not hate me, for I have sinned greatly," I whisper before my soul melts.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Quietest Room


365 Days of Creativity

day ninety six

The room is quiet. Silent. So silent you can hear your organs working. 
If you had any.
Your skeleton sits cross-legged. Your arms hang down to the floor with your bare-bone palms faced up. The ceiling above you is moist; little beads of wet gather and drop into your open hands.
Each drop is a soul which rushes through you on contact. You see, but you don't learn. You hear, but you don't understand. Almost, you catch a name, but the rush is gone.
Forever you sit in the underworld. Absorbing souls as they drip beneath the earth. Feeling each life pass through you, wanting for one of your own.
You are Lucifer and God.
You are The River Styx.
You are the edge of the Universe and the end of Time.
You are all that is left when there's nothing left at all.

Soon the souls will stop dripping.
And silence will be all that you have,

No organs to keep you company
No souls to misunderstand,
No heartbeat to flutter wildly
No more wet in the palm of your hand.

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Nightmare


365 Days of Creativity

day eighty five

The Nightmare

I was one in a group of one hundred. We all sat in a row, reclined and immobile in padded seats. Like asylum theater chairs. To my right, a lovely girl, frightened and downy soft, my closest friend. She stared straight above her, like we all did. Dozens of faces upturned, waiting for their moment of reckoning. And above us, gliding silently, an assembly line of faces parallel to our own, but these were eyeless and alabaster. Male mannequins without features. They faced downward, identical and blind, looking for one of us that was different.

From the left, the endless assembly approached. A single head, humming with omniscience, bore down on us. He seemed to see, to smell, to sense our souls. With each person he passed, he gained life, spirit energy, leaving behind a trail of downtrodden faces, suddenly aged and empty; leafless trees in the frost.

He was three spots-two spots-right next to me. His square jaw pushed into my vision. Time slowed. But no, it was the line that slowed as he came to a stop. But not above me. I was not pure, not unique. No desire for my individual sameness.

It was her, my soul mate. He, hovering above, she, nearly drowning in her own tears. His face aglow with the supernova hidden within her. From behind where his neck should have been, two silky, translucent obtrusions pushed forth. The amoeba-like apparitions moved through the air as if it were water. Floating and wavering, five probes formed on each tube. They stretched and squirmed and saturated the air with their coolness. Longer and longer, like hovering strings of saliva, they took the alien form of disjointed fingers.

The pointed tips yearned forward, and my love screamed with their closeness. Her lips trembled and eyes shook in their sockets, leaping around as though to escape her skull. Stretching, spreading, multiplying and morphing, the hands crept forward, swallowing the space by inches and inches and one inch more- I ripped the air open with a lung-burning NO. And stunned, the fingers hung over her skin, her lashes flung wide as she stared into sin.

Slowly, so slowly, like the turn of his head was stretching time itself, the head curved in my direction. His blank face uncannily echoed everyone I had ever known.

Though unmistakably an attempt at a human, he was just as clearly the child of science and hell. Made from something too white, and too stiff, movements too smooth and visage without definition except- When had that appeared? He had a mouth, a horizontal oval of red, with a rectangle of black in the center. And it was two-dimensional, so from the from it was wide and flat, but if he had turned sideways it might seem not to exist at all. 

The track glided backward, his face keeping a direct line with mine, turning as he came above me. He held his ghostly gelatinous arms out threateningly to the sides, long fingers quivering with excitement.

His rounded mouth split sideways. The top half moved right, and the bottom, left. The motion revealed new shapes, three connecting triangles, black, violet and orange. These too slid away to show the sharp corners of violent green and cancerous yellow squares. His skinny appendixes stretched forth, touching either side of my face. Long, knobbed and slick, the icicles slid down my cheeks and coolly caressed my neck. Colder and colder the creepers became, until I could barely feel them. So distracted was I by the design of colours above me that I almost didn't notice his hands were halfway down my back. My lungs seemed to crystallize, each shallow breathe sounding out with a crackle of ice.

The slithering nitrogen caressed and conquered my lower back, spreading flat around my kidneys. The face was a mess of geometric shapes, still spinning in a random trance. They slowed their movement as the ice spread around my spine, and snapped into a final position when the knives dug into my back. A face formed by dyes above me, two wholes left for no eyes. The tender flesh between my ribs and hips was pierced with heads of frost like daggers seared with the temperature of dark matter. Deeper and upwards the scepters where thrust, icing and cutting their way through my innards into my torso and up to my chest. The hands of the devil would be welcome candles compared to this nightmare. He hooked each crooked finger around my heart, and with one fatal snap, severed all of the veins, and sinew and life that connected my soul to my body. 

All that was left was a beast with a mask, clutching my heart in its hands.

Monday, March 26, 2012

The Cherub's Ghoul

365 Days of Creativity

day seventy eight

The Cherub's Ghoul

From lands of lost
a cherub came
he thumbed a harp
and sweetly sang

skin like cream
and wings like dove
with hands too small
for common glove

and round his neck
he wore a bag
of leather tough
for such a babe

whence tender song
was softly sung
he daintily
made bag unslung

with kindest glow
he drew the string
angelic smile
unleashed the Thing

a flash of blue
like fire's scorch
entrapt in dark
the only torch

these flames of black
and indigo
from under hood
of ink, did glow

these eyes which saw
more than I said
and mouth which ate
more than I fed

a gaping maw
like flesh torn wide
he took my fear
to be his bride

he stood, a pit
of lustless power
at once both hole
and tallest tower

not that the wraith
exuded cold
but all source of heat
he did enfold

with vocal rattle
stolen from
a thousand men
sisters and sons

he spoke two words
that "Fear's unfair"
while Cherub laughed
and lounged on air

they both drank deep
my skin and soul
but 'fore I died
they let me go

and cut from thought
this awful thread.


But ho! What man
waits on my bed?

Thursday, January 05, 2012

You and the Now

365 Days of Creativity

day fifty three

You and the Now

For all of your material possessions, all of the people, all of the shit you surround yourself with, you don't realize that you will always be alone. The lover or wife that you hold so dear, the boyfriend that is "a part of you", these people are alone too. Emotional connections and coital interactions aside, there is nothing but you.

You came into this world alone, and you'll leave this world alone. Even surrounded by the other 63 passengers of the failing flight 232, really and truly you are left only with your inner self. Your soul, your sense of self, your true Being.

And in your last moments, it may be the first time you realize this, and it may scare the shit out of you.

That you are not your car, you are not your Rolex, you are not your "better half". You are not even your past or future. There is a you beneath all of that. A you not programmed by society, a you with it's core thoughts and feelings. Not the trivial thoughts that run through your mind on a dat-to-day basis, but the true fiber of your very being. Your most natural instincts. The ones not controlled by your past or future. But the present you. Your everyday mind is constantly swallowed by memories and either hopes or worries for the future. Never truly able to relax into the present, to feel every other living thing, to know things without thinking about them. This is you. Your very center. And if you don't try to connect with it, it will scare you in your last moments.

If you do get an inward glimpse through your pain and physical possessions, the Being that you see may seem like a stranger to you.

Think about how you overreact when something you own breaks, think about the moment of false accomplishment you feel when you buy something you've wanted for a while. Think about your goals. Are you working towards another purchase? More shit to fill your empty life with? Is your goal with your job? A promotion? Is any deeper meaning finding it's way into your life? Do you strive for spiritual enlightenment or global understanding?

Make a daily to-do list, and leave the tasks on the page. Don't constantly think about them and all the stuff you need to get done. You have your list, you're organized. Let your mind rest and simply absorb the now. Don't let yourself dwell in the past or project into the future. Because both will always stay where they are. But the Now, the Now is always immediate, ever present. Stop trying to be something, and simply let yourself be.


Inspired by Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now.
I recommend everyone reads it, the book will open your eyes to a part of you you didn't know existed. Will make you examine your priorities, and allow you to really know yourself.
Best wishes and sincere hopes you reach true knowledge,

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

All Hallows Eve

365 Days of Creativity

day fourty one

Welcome to all hallows eve,
when the demons roam the streets.
We dress as ghouls and peeves,
so we blend in with the fleet.

The crack of fireworks above,
like shotguns to the teeth.
I take this coloured candy,
just to know what walks unseen.

The flashing lights are noted with,
the running children's screams.
The parents drink their alcohol,
as teens sweat to the beat.

A night of guise and masquerade,
true natures seen apparent.
For every monster dressed in false
another's seen transparent.

The veil between this world and theirs
is nothing but a net.
The holes between dimensions
fail before they catch.

A knotted night of twisted fears,
when chants are sung, and kids eat peers.

There's nothing that holds them at bay,
just run until the light of day.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Idea of Fear

365 Days of Creativity

day four

Wise as he is cruel,
the snake slithers near.
Harbinger of truth,
he says in your ear;

"I bring you a notion-
the idea of fear"

What's this? It's here,
A feeling of shame.
A feeling of cold and dark and pain,
suddenly scared, alone and afraid,
you spin around lost with no one to blame.

That man, who is he
why does he stare?
He's waiting and watching,
ever aware.

You keep walking
away from the eyes on your back.
When did the sky
get so empty and black?

Where there used to be stars and beauty and awe,
you see only demons, with gaping black maws.

This feeling of dread,
I'll put it in short:
The whole world is hungry,
and you're the main course.