12 Years a Slave; This is Not a Review

After drying my two-hour ravaged eyes, my first thought out of the theatre was, wow, I can't wait to review this movie, but now, sitting at my computer, I don't think I can.

I'm thinking where to start. I sit, almost too hot in my room, drinking to cool myself, wrapping myself in a blanket once that gets too chilly. I'm eating, not knowing if it's because I'm sincerely hungry, or merely bored. The ticket from a seven dollar movie that I saw on cheap night sits crumpled on my desk. A movie that featured people who never saw seven dollars in their entire lives.

I was going to review the movie, but I don't think I can. I don't think I can do justice to the harsh truths told. To the emotional blows delivered by both the story and the humans involved. I cannot spark-note an entirely new perspective.

All I can really say, is that we are lucky. We are lucky to live in this age, with these rights, with these freedoms. We are lucky to have a choice in the careers we may or may not pursue, we are lucky to be able to make love with whom we want and get mad when that is judged. We are lucky to even have the option to speak back, speak out, to speak at all.

We are so, so very lucky.

And we owe it to people like Solomon Northup to learn his story, tell his story, and do justice to his story. And that's just what '12 Years a Slave' did.

Please, go see it. You are lucky to have the chance.

-LF

Best Girly Movies Everrrrrrr

GUILTY PLEASURE PICTURES

the girls edition

OMG yes I have a uterus. Yes I indulge in typical womanly things from time to time (selfies, holiday lattes, Friends). And yes I have a soft spot for certain movies. It's pretty well known that I love blood and gore and seeing the bad guy win. But every now and then I visit the world of women and have a girly night where I paint my nails and drink too much wine and eat things with avocado in them. I blame my mother.

Here are my top fifteen classic girl movies that get better and also worse with every viewing.

15

27 Dresses

At least one Katherine Heigl movie was sure to end up on here. I prefer this one to the Ugly Truth because BENNY AND THE JETS. That song is yes.

It's our doom to feel like that at least once a week.

14

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Marilyn Monroe is the women of women. Her most iconic role as the best friend to diamonds, this movie and her performance hold up as hilarious after all this time.

13

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Baaaah so much teased blonde hair, so much synthetic plastic clothing, SO MUCH 90'S GOODNESS.

Seriously this is movie is our childhood. And also our future. All rolled up in a feather trimmed OHMAH-GAWD fest.

12

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Probably the best movie to get drunk to while feeling ridiculously girly and classy. Feel free to indulge in cigarettes and french baked goods as well.

Like a real gentleman.

11

Bad Teacher

Cameron Diaz not giving a fuck about her job or basically any other human in this movie is how I am most of the time. About everything. But instead of fake tits I'm saving for student loans.

Everyday.

10

(ps lol at Rose McGowan just mooping at the bottom of this poster)

Death Proof

QUENTIN TARANTINO MADE A CHICK FLICK AND THERE'S SEVERED LIMBS AND IDLE CHATTER AND THE SEXIEST FULLY-DRESSED LAP DANCE YOU WILL EVER WITNESS.

That's not a lot, really.

9

Clueless

This along with Romy & Michele are what's under the definition of the 90's Girl in the dictionary. Feather boas, flip cell phones and Brittany Murphy, what more can a girl ask for? (other than some Lisa Frank).

Look at lil Brittanyyyyy ooooooooooohhhhhhh.

8

House Bunny

Anna Faris + Emma Stone + slightly outdated university stereotypes = a really stupid movie that screams for poor girl's margaritas (mix & liquor, no blender) and Facebook creepin.

So dumb. So good. Anna Faris is a genuine babe.

7

Miss Congeniality

Every tomboy had her day of having to be a woman (9th grade grad was an eyeliner filled mess) and there is nothing that makes a girl feel good to hate being a girl like seeing Sandra Bullock get waxed and then twist her ankle in heels.

Little did we know how true this would become.

Also if ever I get forced into a talent show I am doing this;

6

You've Got Mail

UGH THIS MOVIE. It's one of the few romances that not only doesn't give me nausea, but it actually gets me. Every time. 

Something about that fucker Tom Hanks gets my heart growin' like the Grinch's. Plus independent book store vs big bad book store. Plus New York. Plus internet chatting that is so real and accurate and oh fuck this perfect film.

5

Bridget Jones

Oh Bridget. This is possibly the most lol-inducing film on this list. Seriously. And boys, if you somehow got onto this post and have made it this far, you have to love this movie. You have to. HAVE TO. It's just fucking fun for everyone. Cheesy christmas sweaters, british accents, a girl who can't cook and eats Ben & Jerry's wrapped up in a duvet;

There is not one part of this movie that I dislike. I would say Hugh Grant but he plays the douchiest douche so even that is satisfying.

My life.

4

Coyote Ugly

LeAnn Rimes, middle parted hair, and the man that I blame for all of our inexplicable swooning over the aussies. This is one bad-bitch flick with a good girl feel? I don't know how they made something so slutty so fucking wholesome and great. Although John Goodman may have something to do with it.

It's only gonna get worse, John.

And if you can stop yourself from singing along to this entire soundtrack, you don't have a uterus. Or a soul. Because real women CAN'T FIGHT THE MOONLIGHT NO.

3

She's the Man

A personal favourite, and how we all want to remember Amanda Bynes. So quotable, and I drop em on the daily even still. I refuse to grow up.

This is the Anchorman for women. Right down to the easy-to-imitate voice and real-life-applicable sayings like, "Rub some dirt in it." or "Ohmygod he knew." or "Bros, brothers, brethren?" or "check out the booty on that blondy" or "I gotta lifetime of knowledge." or;

2

Devil Wears Prada

Back when we used to buy DVD's and actually put them into a machine and then watch them on a screen that was meant just for that, I watched this movie almost everyday for a looooong time. It's got everything a girl needs in a film. A little drama, a lot of fashion and a homely girl fighting her way to the top for the job she wants. Quite sincerely inspiring for success, and really a stand up film in many ways.

Not too sure who Meryl Streep is but she's pretty good in this...??

Miranda Priestly is one of the sharpest female characters to grace us with her presence. Ever. Like a modern day Cruella De Vil meets Gordon Gecko.

And look at Emily Blunt being all new and fresh and playing supporting roles. PS you guys know she bagged John Krasinski, right? She really did do America right.

Of course, the queen b of them all;

1

 MEAN GIRLS, duh

Could any other film be number one? There's really nothing that needs to be said. This is the ultimate girls movie. Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? Nope, nah, can't and won't be beat. 

So did my high school.

This film stereotyped many classes of people, but did it took it so far and did it so well that no one could possibly be offended. EVERYONE was torn apart in this film. Also this film is why I don't condone the term "betches". Because Tina Fey told me that we (females) can't keep calling each other derogatory terms. Normally I'm not uptight about it but betches is one that we made up for ourselves. If you haven't heard of this, it's sort of the female equivalent of "bros". Yeah, the Woo Girls who are the reason we have pumpkin spiced everything now. They made up this word that even makes them sound stupid. And that's ok for them, but I do not support the term "betches". 

...or Michael Kors.

I was always very glad we didn't do this at my high school. Why do american schools keep allowing these sort of ridiculous events that encourage hierarchies and then complain about clique-ieness and bullying. IF YOU PUNCH A HORSE IN THE ASS DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN IT KICKS YOU.

My sentiments exactly.

So that's that, the pussy's out of the bag, so to speak. Now you know, I'm a woman and I partake in womanly things sometimes.

Ok brb gotta go rub some dirt in it.

LF

World War Z; Hell Yes, A POSITIVE Review

If you didn't enjoy World War Z, you should probably leave now. Really. Just go and be alone with your very angry, unsatisfied opinions. Because I just came out of it, and I fucking loved that movie.

Now from what I've been reading the general upset is about disloyalty to the book and lack of blood and gore, and the latter is the exact reason why I don't watch previews. The usual result from an advert is one of two things; a total reveal of the key events of the film, or a completely misleading three minute thrill-fest. Since I didn't see the preview, I wasn't expecting a uselessly action packed blood bomb. I also knew that Plan B was behind this, and they're not your average gore-boosting production company (excuse Kick Ass for a moment). In case you don't know, Brad Pitt is the sole owner of Plan B, and they put out such dramatic epics as The Assassination of Jesse James and Tree of Life.

UPDATE: I have now taken a minute to watch the preview and honestly there weren't any blood splatters in there, so that was just your own personal wish for violence. I do admit that it's been a sort of guarantee for zombie movies, but I don't think that WWZ needed it as we have had plenty of that for years.

To address the upset fans who wanted to see a loyal rendition of the novel, I sincerely apologize. If I had read the book, I'm sure I would be on your side. Getting mad about the faults of book-to-film adaptations is one of my guilty pleasures, but this time around I'm on the naïve side. For you people, maybe taking this review as an examination of the film as a stand alone product is the only way to see my side. If you don't want to do that I completely understand and fully support your anger. BRAD PITT YOU SUCK. That's for you guys.

For the rest of you who haven't read the book, read on.

Why I enjoyed WWZ so damn much;

There were a lot of scenes that were left out, and unexplained. And that was awesome.

How did the zombies suddenly overwhelm New York? Why was the guy holding up Brad in the pharmacy? Why did we need to see them in the grocery store at all? Why did the RV not start on the highway? What happened to the little boy's parents? Why did they let the people sing so god damn loud in Jerusalem? Why why why?!

Because it was fucking realistic, that's why.

The guy to the right has his priorities straight.

As viewers we were very closely tied to the pov's of Brad Pitt and his family. For the first half of the movie we saw everything this family would see. Maybe the city of New York would have been on alert before everyone went to work that morning, but maybe not. Maybe it had escalated in just a few hours and the family had been in their own nice little family world not paying attention to the radio because they were busy being so cute and lovely.

The guy in the pharmacy and the RV not starting are simply examples that little shit still goes wrong in an apocalypse. To see how fast the frail structure of society unravels when true disaster hits. This is very clearly demonstrated by the two guys trying to rape Brad's wife like ten minutes after shit goes down. Everyone wants to watch the world burn.

What happened to the little boy's parents?

They got eaten by zombies, stupid. Probably sacrificed themselves to get the kid out because they were good people. Or they pushed him out the door to get eaten first and he survived because they were dicks, you pick.

Ok, I agree that people singing at the top of their lungs in Jerusalem was dumb, but apparently they hadn't learned that zombies are attracted to sound. A bit of a reach, and I hate to say that something had to happen to get them out of the city, but that's probably what it came down to.

"Staaaaaahhhhp.... siiiingiiiiiing"

I also loved how from thousands of miles away the love interest still managed to fuck up the day. As in when Brad's wife called him on the satellite phone to tell him to grab some eggs on his way home AND ATTRACTED ALL THE FUCKING ZOMBIES IN THE KOREAN CAMP RIGHT TO HIM AND KILLED LIKE SIX MEN. Women, am I right?

"Little busy, Honey."

But overall the small gaps in timeline were easily filled in by a bit of imagination, and I don't think as intelligent viewers that we need every plot point to be spoon fed to us.

The original twists on the classic zombies. Great. Superb. Probably should be credited to Max Brooks though I'm not positive. You may be pissed off about the "weakness" of the zombies, but I thought it was brilliant. Not too farfetched or gimmicky, but just weird enough to be believable. In fact the whole reason why it was believable was that the zombie's ambition was not for brains, but to spread the infection. Sort of like that parasite Toxoplasma Gondii that infects rats and makes them run around like crazy so that cats will see them and the parasite can move to reproduce inside the cat when the rat gets eaten. It's like the zombie virus is a monster on its own that wants to conquer the world by controlling and infecting humans. Way cooler than dead guys who just want to eat brains in my opinion.

"EAT ME"

BONUS; They actually acknowledge that they are zombies. Stop the presses, the word is really said, multiple times. At last.

I liked seeing the more dramatic side of an apocalypse, (which is why I prefer 28 Days Later to Dawn of the Dead) and Brad Pitt is just a bonus. I say that because he didn't do anything very Pittish, actually none of the roles seemed extremely demanding, but more seemed to take a backseat to the large-scale events that happened. And I was very much okay with that. Basically World War Z took everything that you want to happen in a zombie movie (screaming bitches get their guts eaten, headshots and cheesy one-liners) and did the exact opposite.

OH DEAR GOD, THANK YOU. Finally someone changes the genre enough that it pisses some people off. The big-budget zombie brand has been way too one sided and consistently predictable, and I welcome the change. No, it's not perfect, yes it is still a Hollywood film, but if you can stop over-analyzing for a couple of hours and remember to give yourself to the benefit of belief, you might actually enjoy something for once. And really, you should just be happy that Warm Bodies wasn't the only zombie movie that came out this year.

Come, Mama.

Mama; the best horror movie since (the first half of) Insidious.

There are three reasons that Mama freaked the shit out of me; two of which were the filmmakers utilizing skills, and one that they had no intention of that lies at the bottom of this post.
1) Keeping things slightly veiled so that your imagination fills in the rest, (as with Mama's hair, shadows on the wall, the constant grey matter that surrounds Mama)
2) Things that move unnaturally (the children and Mama both move like disjointed spiders; think the ghost in The Grudge.)

Oh hey super scary child, sure, you stay up as late as you want.

There is one particular scene in Mama that almost turned me into a blubbering black girl stomping my way out of the theater while saying nonsense like "mmmm-mmm no way I'm staying in here this is bulllllshit, uh-uh no way no how, I ain't puttin UP with tha-at." But instead I went from sitting in one position to another, as if leaning on the other armrest would provide me with greater protection. Without spoiling anything, the scene in discussion involves Victoria warning Lily not to look at Mama because she's mad. And then my seat was full of poop.

I don't think my maternal instinct covers these two.

Mama being all scary-hairy n spidery n shit.

Any film that can challenge me to keep my eyes open is one I'm not soon to forget. It was like the horrifying images on-screen and my brain were playing chicken with each other, seeing which could produce something scarier. So for every wisp of floating hair that seemed to be capable of ensnaring me, there was another terrifying maw or sore or demonic hollow that lay under that hair that my brain made up. The fear of the unknown. The nasty habit of the human mind to try and supply images where they are lacking, is so much worse than just seeing something scary. This is where Mama succeeded, in letting you supply the horror to their film.

Another thing that was subtle, yet effective was the insinuation that Mama had Downs Syndrome. While I'm not 100% sure this is true, I definitely got the feeling she had a mental retardation, and not just a psychotic personality that put her in an asylum. As is commonly known, handicapped people make "normal" people uncomfortable. It's something about them being different, about them not working in the same way that most people do (a lot like how the unnatural movement of creatures induces chills). This is a very small detail, and it didn't play an overly important part, but things like this aren't just thrown into a film for no reason. It's obvious the filmmaker's saw an opportunity to increase the uncanniness of Mama, and used it wisely.

Cinematography, acting, direction was all fine, yadda yadda yadda. Nothing to write home about.

This film is scary as hell IF you are disturbed by the things I've described, if not, you'll probably be laughing and shaking your head most of the time.

Also, ENDING = NO COMMENT

PS The sounds are not nice to your fear either.

PPS Anyone else notice how a lot of the lead females in films lately are "alternative"? (Mama, Silver Linings Playbook, Pitch Perfect)

Jessica Chastain in Mama

Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook

Anna Kendrick in Pitch Perfect

PPPS Reason number 3) When I was growing up I had a reoccurring about a woman that looked exactly like Mama, except she was completely white instead of grey. In the dream the pallid woman sat upright in a very large bed. Her back was against a mound of pillows and she had long, liquid-like hair that flowed all around her. The woman had spindly fingers that seemed withered and broken, and they clutched the white lace dress that she was wearing. We were alone together in an enormous house, where the hallways went on for eons, and the ceiling was so vaulted it couldn't be seen. The doorways were extremely wide, for the bed needed to fit through them. I would be running through this all-white house that had no furniture, no shadows, nowhere to hide, and the bed would be gliding after me, faster and faster. And with her bleached hair flung out behing her, the Woman would be lying on the bed, twisting her pale dress in her brittle hands and screaming as she chased me.

Best Quotes From The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

The Picture of Dorian Gray

favourite quotes

"...I don't propose to discuss politics, sociology, or metaphysics with you. I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world." -Lord Henry

"I sometimes think, Harry, that there are only two eras of any importance in the world's history. The first is the appearance of a new medium for art and the second is the appearance of a new personality for art..." -Basil

"What you have told me is quite a romance, a romance of art one might call it, and the worst of having a romance of any kind is that it leaves one so unromantic." -Lord Henry

"Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies." -Lord Henry

"...To influence a person it to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of some one else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him. The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for." -Lord Henry

"...Beauty is a form of Genius - is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts of the world, like sunlight, or spring-time, or the reflection in dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon. It cannot be questioned. It has its divine right of sovereignty." -Lord Henry

"Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic." -Narration

"There was something terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence. No other activity was like it. To project one's soul into some gracious form, and let it tarry there for a moment; to hear one's own intellectual views echoed back to one with all the added music of passion and youth; to convey one's temperament into another as though it were a subtle fluid or a strange perfume: there was a real joy in that - perhaps the most satisfying joy left to us in an age so limited and vulgar as our own, an age grossly carnal in its pleasures, and grossly common in its aims." -Narration

" 'I am told, on excellent authority, that her father keeps an American dry-goods store,' Said Thomas Burdon, looking supercilious.

'My uncle has already suggested pork-packing, Sir Thomas.'

'Dry-goods! What are American dry-goods?' asked the Duchess, raising her large hands in wonder, and accentuating the verb.

'American novels,' answered Lord Henry..."

" 'How dreadful!' cried Lord Henry. 'I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.'

'I do not understand you,' said Sir Thomas, growing rather red.

'I do, Lord Henry,' murmured Mr Erskine, with a smile."

"Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of intellect - simply a confession of failure." -Lord Henry

"Good artists exist simply in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating. The worse their rhymes are, the more picturesque they look. The mere fact of having published a book of second-rate sonnets makes a man quite irresistible. He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize." -Lord Henry

"The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror." -Lord Henry

As you may have noticed, most of these quotes are from Lord Henry, who I fondly think of as Oscar Wilde himself. I feel if any movie had done the novel justice, then Lord Henry would top many of the most dangerously-influential character charts. Right next to Tyler Durden and V.

Cosmopolis Quotes

COSMOPOLIS

“She thought I was dissolvable in water.”

"Do people still shoot at presidents? I thought there were more stimulating targets."

“Talent is more erotic when it’s wasted.”

“It’s not the sex you think I’ve had, it’s the sex you know I want that you smell on me.”

A SPECTER IS HAUNTING THE WORLD - THE SPECTER OF CAPITALISM

“Stun me, I mean it. I want you to do it Kendra, show me what it feels like, I’m looking for more, show me something I don’t know, stun me to my DNA, come on do it, flick the switch, aim and fire, I want all the voltage the weapon holds, do it, shoot it, now.”

“There’s pain enough for everybody now.”

“I have become an enigma to myself.”

These People Are Aliens

First, a big thanks to everyone who's stuck with me thus far.

I appreciate every word of feedback and encouragement, and to those of you who don't commend me but still read my material, fuck you. But also, and more importantly, thank you for reading, and I hope I inspire/help/disturb you in some way.

365 Days of Creativity

day seventy five

Today I spent way too long drawing some of my favourite movie characters as aliens.

Can you guess them all?

I'll give you a hint on the first one, it's not the Hulk.