The Vanishing

365 Days of Creativity

day ninety

The Vanishing

I am not on drugs.

I am not insane.

I am not imaginary.

These three sentences I must repeat to myself constantly, for it is only my believing them that makes them true.

It was fun at first, when everyone disappeared. I was free to do anything. I drove down the streets backwards, walked into banks empty handed, and left a millionaire. I had access to the finest kitchens in the world, I could touch every piece of art and smoke every rare cigar. I practiced archery in Target, sniped out mannequins from the Space Needle. Wearing Gucci & Prada I walked through the subways and swam in golden fountains.

The activities were endless. My sanity was not.

What is a millionaire with no one to praise them? What is art with no one to discuss it? And kitchens so grand require a professional chef to do them justice. My carpaccio usually ended up a sad, wilted bowl of mac&cheese.

I quickly noticed the world had been built to entertain billions of people at a time, but to keep one man satisfied was his own responsibility, something I had never learned. I was craving more, as I had always been taught to do. But here, when I had it all at once, I realized how little it actually was.

Restless, wandering, and utterly isolated. I shuffled down the lanes of little lemon villas. Honey coloured houses covered in half-formed dew. Bright-brick walls being hugged by vines of icy ivy. Walking under a trellised archway, a petal shook loose, brushing my cheek in the only caress I hadn't caused in months.

The front door opened easily, welcoming as any home had ever been. This wasn't a house I knew before the Vanishing, but I knew all of the buildings now. The photo albums were still right where I left them, next to the open bottle of a 50 year old Dalmore Scotch that I would have never even seen in another lifetime. How I wished for that lifetime now.

Smiling birthdays, weddings, missing front teeth, finger paintings, prestigious schools, sports games, roller coaster snapshots, tropical vacations, grecian honeymoons, people in images upon memories are the only proof this family had ever existed.

I started carrying a polaroid camera with me. I took a Ducati I could never afford and headed cross-country. 

Here's me at the White House.

This is me at Niagara Falls.

Oh, this one's of me in Central Park.

Little square pieces of proof that I had been there. I left each photo hung up on a wall. Tiny snapshots that said "I was here!" to absolutely no one.

If no one was around to recognize that I existed, did I?

This one's of me on the Vegas Strip.

If no one could see me, was I really here?

Here I am on the Hollywood walk of fame.

If I couldn't speak to anyone, could I even speak at all? Why would I?

Did you see the one of me on fire?

If I am the only one left living, is there anyone living at all?

This is me as Schrodinger's cat.

Am I high? Is the world here anymore? Did I simply die and create this space in the afterlife? Am I dreaming? Is this entire place just images projected onto closed eyelids? Though even if my eyes are open, they are still just images projected onto me. Either externally or internally, this is reality because I choose it to be. I am not dead because I choose not to be. I am alone because...

You cannot control everything.

I sound crazy to you maybe. But who are you really, other than a projection? And an image cannot judge me.

I am not on drugs.

I am not insane.

I am not imaginary.


I am not on drugs.

I am not insane.

I am not imaginary.


I am not...

I am...

This is the Sound My Mind Makes.

I hate commitment but I'm addicted to tattoos.

I'm simultaneously narcissistic and self conscious.

I do not judge individuals, but when viewed as a group I can hate on a grand scale.

I never, ever feel bad for the 'tragedies' in the news, whether it be a tsunami or a suicide.

Even when I'm outwardly excited for something I'm always inwardly expecting it to fail.

I check out women more than I check out men, and not just from jealousy.

I think stripping is an art, but prostitution is a shame.

I don't think men objectify women, I think women objectify themselves. The only way to escape remarks on your physical appearance is to ruin your beauty and free yourself from sexual appetites.

There is nothing more beautiful than standing up for what and who you believe in.

If you're not growing and changing, you might as well be dead.

I do believe in something, but it's not God.

I want to escape technology forever, yet I check Facebook everyday.

The best way to earn my respect is to not care if you have it.

Family, friends, and flames are important, but never forget that you came into this world alone, and that's how you will leave it. Do what makes you happy, whatever it is, no matter what anyone says along the way. Never let anyone hold you back or dismiss your priorities. Don't be afraid to fuck up, and don't be too stuck up to say you're sorry. Help your friends and love your family, but fuck em all if they chain you down. Find your passion and live the fuck out of it, everything else will follow.

onwards&upwards

-foxx

star-dusted souls

365 Days of Creativity

day eighty nine

star-dusted souls

chipped nails

cutting rails

prepping heaven

up til seven

snort it back

we'll die together

re-emerge

as flaming feather

Baby's dancing

lights are flashing

no one sees

her brain is crashing

bodies roll

on waves of absinthe

pure as sin

our bodies chanting

"Take us past the fourth dimension"

you and me

our veins are thrashing

trying to reject the trash in-

-side our minds

we trade our cash

for three more lines

we split the last

it's party time

the cameras flash

sunglasses hide

our pupils wide

take my hand until we fly

Baby's lips are cracked and dry

gyrating hips

rotating time

star-dusted souls

debating why?

innocence

through smoke and pyre

pass the torch

breathe in, get higher

music is

our saviour's choir

we love to live

and live on fire

it's ecstasy

that we desire

and ecstasy

that we acquire

the only things I'll ever need

are you and me

and ecstasy

DAMNED: A Novella

It's finally here, my first published works.

Previously I had the Novella up for sale on a file hosted site, but I've taken it down. It is definitely still available for online delivery. If you're interested in getting a hold of a copy, just email me at lillithfoxx@hotmail.com, and we can work something out.

I'm going insane for all of the stress and excitement this has caused me, but it's up and running; really and truly available for purchase on the internet.

After much prepping and debating and formatting and reformatting and searching and researching and humming and hawing and an unbelievable amount of trial and error; I've decided to self-publish my novella here, on my own.

This is a novella, a dark and romantic story of unrequited love. 

I've opened my heart to the Ether and let it tell its own tale of lust and destruction through me.

But there is so much more to love than lust. There is so much more to life than death. And there is so much more to death than we have ever known before.

No one ever tells you how good the high feels. How hard it is to hate paradise. There's no warning sign on those you meet, [MAY INDUCE EUPHORIA], if there had been, maybe Eve would have stayed away. Perhaps she could have run when there was still time.

Lust is a hunter that no one can escape from.

DAMNED: A tale of sex, death, and what lies beyond. 


The download includes the following formats;

Epub (Apple iPad&iBooks/Nook/Sony/Kobo)
Kindle (Mobi)
PDF (PC/Mac reading)

Feel free to contact me with any comments, questions, or qualms at lillithfoxx@hotmail.com

Best Quotes From The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

The Picture of Dorian Gray

favourite quotes

"...I don't propose to discuss politics, sociology, or metaphysics with you. I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world." -Lord Henry

"I sometimes think, Harry, that there are only two eras of any importance in the world's history. The first is the appearance of a new medium for art and the second is the appearance of a new personality for art..." -Basil

"What you have told me is quite a romance, a romance of art one might call it, and the worst of having a romance of any kind is that it leaves one so unromantic." -Lord Henry

"Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies." -Lord Henry

"...To influence a person it to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of some one else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him. The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for." -Lord Henry

"...Beauty is a form of Genius - is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts of the world, like sunlight, or spring-time, or the reflection in dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon. It cannot be questioned. It has its divine right of sovereignty." -Lord Henry

"Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic." -Narration

"There was something terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence. No other activity was like it. To project one's soul into some gracious form, and let it tarry there for a moment; to hear one's own intellectual views echoed back to one with all the added music of passion and youth; to convey one's temperament into another as though it were a subtle fluid or a strange perfume: there was a real joy in that - perhaps the most satisfying joy left to us in an age so limited and vulgar as our own, an age grossly carnal in its pleasures, and grossly common in its aims." -Narration

" 'I am told, on excellent authority, that her father keeps an American dry-goods store,' Said Thomas Burdon, looking supercilious.

'My uncle has already suggested pork-packing, Sir Thomas.'

'Dry-goods! What are American dry-goods?' asked the Duchess, raising her large hands in wonder, and accentuating the verb.

'American novels,' answered Lord Henry..."

" 'How dreadful!' cried Lord Henry. 'I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.'

'I do not understand you,' said Sir Thomas, growing rather red.

'I do, Lord Henry,' murmured Mr Erskine, with a smile."

"Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of intellect - simply a confession of failure." -Lord Henry

"Good artists exist simply in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating. The worse their rhymes are, the more picturesque they look. The mere fact of having published a book of second-rate sonnets makes a man quite irresistible. He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize." -Lord Henry

"The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror." -Lord Henry

As you may have noticed, most of these quotes are from Lord Henry, who I fondly think of as Oscar Wilde himself. I feel if any movie had done the novel justice, then Lord Henry would top many of the most dangerously-influential character charts. Right next to Tyler Durden and V.

Cosmopolis Quotes

COSMOPOLIS

“She thought I was dissolvable in water.”

"Do people still shoot at presidents? I thought there were more stimulating targets."

“Talent is more erotic when it’s wasted.”

“It’s not the sex you think I’ve had, it’s the sex you know I want that you smell on me.”

A SPECTER IS HAUNTING THE WORLD - THE SPECTER OF CAPITALISM

“Stun me, I mean it. I want you to do it Kendra, show me what it feels like, I’m looking for more, show me something I don’t know, stun me to my DNA, come on do it, flick the switch, aim and fire, I want all the voltage the weapon holds, do it, shoot it, now.”

“There’s pain enough for everybody now.”

“I have become an enigma to myself.”

On The Boardwalk

365 Days of Creativity

day eighty eight

on the boardwalk

Autumn air hugs my side, cooling my feverish forehead.

The sun-bleached mountains carve the horizon, and if I crease my vision they fade completely. If I raise the cry of the gulls to blot out the sirens, I can almost imagine I'm somewhere else.  I can think that I'm on a distant windy seashore, salty and sweet.

I can almost believe I'm not going to die here in the Valley.

Almost.