Fast Five

Why hellooo interwebs, how goes it? Oh I'm great, thanks for asking. I had the most wonderful weekend, (i got all the terrible depression out of my system via last post) which included seeing Fast Five, visiting Millenium (a local store of awesome), making Nutella filled Pillsbury Dough Boy croissants, and watching Ong Bak.

Ok ok, I know, everybody wants to hear a story, because mine are just sooooo thrilling. But I don't have one. So instead I'll tell you about a dream I had the other day. It starred: Me and also: My Friend Stacy. But for the sake of imagination, I'm going to leave the other person as "you", so that you may each picture yourself in my awesome dream.


So in this dream I had the other night, you and I were rogue warriors pitted against each other in a battle to the death. You were a dagger wielder and I was a mage. We fought for two rounds in an epic battle of hand to hand combat and flying spells, but in the third round we were allowed to release our secret hidden weapons. You pulled out a giant cage where inside you had a huge feral polar bear. You called him Mordekaiser. You thought you had me beat, since I was but a mage, but alas! I fooled you! In truth I was a druid, and I summoned my white Siberian tiger to fight with me! Then the battle got really interesting. Your bear was bigger and stronger than my tiger, but my pet was faster. Your bear jumped on my tiger and pinned him to the ground. Right as you were about to stab him in the throat, I summoned a suit of armor to surround my tiger, and it protected him, giving him the defense of your bear. For two more rounds we fought, and your bear had taken a deadly gash to the inner thigh. But my tiger's health was diminishing as well. Your bear pinned us into the corner, but my tiger bounded up the wall and as your bear stood to swipe at him, I froze him to the spot, and we dropped down, my tiger giving him one last swipe to his soft underbelly, killing him. At this point you leaped backwards, off your falling bear and sliced open a hole in the cage in which we fought, disappearing into the night.


Pretty cool no? Ah well maybe it's just the WoW player in me that loves the epic battles. Speaking of games I'm about to start playing conquer online so... we'll see how it goes. I like League of Legends and WoW and God of War and Gears of War (especially gears of war) and call of duty (WaW was my fave) and portal, and pretty much all games since I was born. What true gamer doesn't love 007 Golden Eye? And are you not stoked to the balls for Alice: Madness Returns on console?!? BUT I'm getting off track again, video games is a different time and different place.


What I'm really here for today is to review a movie. 

Fast Five

I went into this movie expecting the same: fast car races, slutty women, lame lines, kind of stuff that they dished out so generously in all the rest of the movies. But alas, they kinda skipped out on the first two. Sure they had some fast cars, but nowhere near as many as the other films, and there was hardly any emphasis on racing. They had a huge build up of a scene where you get to see some cars parked around with whores leaning on them in Rio De Janeiro, but that's it. They don't even show the one street race in the entire movie. I was rather disappointed in that aspect. But the action was good and the acting has gotten better since the first film, not Oscar worthy, but better.

My Favourite line: This movie? not so great on the dialogue front, a lot of gimmicky and trying-too-hard lines. I really don't have a favourite, because nothing was good enough to stick out in my mind, but I do have a least favourite. When Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) is first shown and is requesting his team he says something, (so unmemorable that I forget) to which his little ass kisser says, "You're right." and Hobbs replies with an oh so witty, "Of course I am." The words and the way he delivers it makes It one of those facepalm moments in a movie where you feel sorry for the poor sap who has to say those lines. Like in "The Expendables" where the main girl asks Sylvester Stallone: "How are you here?!" and he says "I just am." It's really actually painful to watch.

Favourite Character: Definitely Dominic Toretto. First off, I like the name. Second, he's bad ass, cares about his family, and can handle a car like it's just another leg. Albeit more of a giant car shaped tumor than a leg, but he can drive- just never mind.

Least Favourite Character: Vince. (Matt Schulze) I just find this character really annoying. It feels as if they brought him back just to tie a couple of unneeded things together. Like hmm, who can we get to sacrifice themselves for these people who nobody's really going to care if he dies? Oh perfect! The raging ex who just gets in Paul Walkers way! I don't know if anyone even blinked when he died. 

Favourite Scene: Definitely the fight between Dominic Toretto and Hobbs. I was saying to my boyfriend after we say the movie, you always see a small girl, or a smaller guy going up against a massive man and winning. How often do you get to see two behemoths fight? I just thought the scene was really well choreographed, and the foley for the scene was well done.

Least Favourite Scene: Some movies put a little snippet of story at the very end of the credits, maybe so that people will stay for the whole thing, but I think it's them trying too hard to make people excited for the next one. It's a cheap way to have two sorts of endings, and the last clip is usually (always) a cliff hanger. The clip at the end of this movie was no different. It was ridiculous. They are definitely reaching here to keep the series alive. They had nicely wrapped up all the main character's heist-lifestyles aaand then they go and bring Letty back. Wtf?! She was most definitely 100% dead. Nuh huh, no way, I don't like that at all. Also I hate Eva Mendes so it's just a bummer to see her in another movie.

Favourite Actor in a Role: Sung Kang as Han. Otherwise known as the Asian guy. Even if they flipped this character around from the third one, Sung Kang works nicely as the quiet, witty guy, who seems to be there for really no reason at all in this one.

Least Favourite Actor in a Role: Smeh, no huge complaints here. Everyone did 'aight' with what they had to work with. But sure, Matt Schulze as Vince. He overacts it, and I don't like it.

Favourite Actor in General: Paul Walker. He's not the greatest actor, and his performance in the first Fast and Furious is definitely forgettable, but he's does some pretty good flicks. I remember watching "Joy Ride" with my mom when I was younger, and I liked it. Forever will the words "candy cane" be stuck in my mind. But my favourite film with him is most definitely Running Scared. It's really good, and really underrated.

Least Favourite Actor in General: And I can say this because she was in it! For about 10 seconds, and after the credits, but it still happened. Eva Mendes. Yech, I feel like she ruins everything she touches. Except maybe, as my friend pointed out, The Other Guys. But only because Will Ferrel's comic genius is something 
very interesting to watch, and I think he could make good humor-chemistry with anyone.

To recap: I was unimpressed by the lack of car chases, but I was entertained by the action, so I won't completely condemn this movie. If it's cheap tuesday, and you've already seen Hanna, I'd say sure, spend the five bucks to be relaxed and semi-entertained by this film. Until this weekend when Thor comes out. Then fuck Fast Five.

DISCLAIMER: I am aware that I have absolutely no right to judge other people, but fuck it, these are my opinions. I'm not saying they're law, and I'm not saying you have to agree with them, and if you don't, feel free to make me look like an idiot and write why! OR if you do agree, lemme know! Write your own favorite characters, scenes or quotes.