This is a sort of continuation of off my last rant.
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Lately I've taken to contemplating loneliness, what it means to really be lonely. You can have your family and friends and all that fun stuff, but you're always alone really. Other than the physical companionship of having someone sit next to you, maybe share their opinions with you, even make you laugh once in a while. Other than that, you really are alone. And even if you find someone to connect with, they have their own mind, their own thoughts and within that place they're alone too.
Anyways, I've been thinking about the feeling of loneliness, if it really is a feeling of despair, or if it's technically being aware of being alone. Because we are, we are truly alone within ourselves, and so honestly we should be feeling loneliness all the time, should we not? Other than when we're with someone, but even then during a conversation you have your thoughts and you're thinking about something completely different or of the words you wish you really could say.
So the only time we're not alone is when two people are completely and honestly saying every thought that comes into their mind. But who does that? No one. People are too scared to say what they think and say what they mean and say what they feel, so we all end up bullshitting each other, and isn't that really the lowest of the low? I mean you start kidding everyone else and soon enough you're going to be kidding yourself too.
And then you're not just lonely, but you're delusional, you're a whole other level of lonely. When you can't even be honest with yourself and no one is honest with you, you're just surrounded by this world made of lies, just completely fucking made of lies, and who's going to break it? It's weird if some does right? It's like "What? You can't say that, you can't come here and just say whatever you want. That's not how society works, that's not how people work anymore, you can't have these urges, you can't want to beat somebody up, you can't just want sex for sex."
What kind of freak just admits that they want to break something? All of a sudden, everything that we were built for, every natural urge becomes completely unacceptable. We've created these lies and now the lies are the truth. Like everybody wants love and relationship and has manners, and we're not allowed to kill, that's alright, but we're not allowed to talk about it? We're not allowed to talk about the urge to want to? It's fucked.
And now I'm the bad guy, because I'll admit that every once in a while I want to hurt something, I want to really fucking hurt something, and that's weird and that's wrong. When we we're meant to do that, we're violent creatures, we were meant to have anger. If we weren't it wouldn't Fucking exist. It's survival.
Although honestly there's been few out of all the times that I've wanted to destroy something that it was about survival, the rest of the time I just want to fucking do it. I just want to make something bleed because I'm fucking angry. Because it'll fuckin help me, cuz I will be happy. I just want to take something beautiful and shatter it every once in a while. And I think that's fine, that's normal, more people should do that, more people should at least confess that they want to do that.
Sometimes I just want to fuck something and I dont want to have to take care of it. I don't want a boyfriend all the time, I don't want to have to have this stupid emotional connection to enjoy physical pleasure, how is that something that we have made mandatory? How are two things that are so completely different, something that is so visceral like emotion, something that can be created on a whim that can be evoked with simple words, how can something like that have been made to be required so that something that is physical and tangible and real can happen?
We haven't made it so that you have to love or get to know your food to enjoy it. We don't even have to grow the food anymore, you can go out, get someone else to make it for you and all you have to do is enjoy it. No emotional effort, no six dates first, you just get immediate pleasure yet, that's completely ok.
Isn't really satisfying hunger just a physical thing? Isn't eating just a physical act that will result in an emotional response? Pleasure, flavours? Isn't sex then, in theory, just the same thing as having a really good piece of pie? All you're doing is something physical to gain an emotional satisfaction. And everyday people go out and indulge themselves in sweets and sours and salts and it's all fucking fine, but as soon as I want to go fuck somebody, oh that's immoral, that is a sin. I'm a whore and I'm a fucking skank. Well I accept myself and I'm honest.
And I don't know where I am anymore, I started off on loneliness.
I suppose it came down to lies really, and honesty, and how I just want to be honest all the time, but that's not allowed. And maybe that's why I'm lonely, is because I'm so honest. Because I try, I really do try to say what I think and feel, what I truly think and feel, not just a dumbed down and edited version of it. And because I'm the only person that I've met that does that, I'm extremely lonely.
That sucks, because that's the complete reverse of what I said loneliness was before, which was everyone lying and because we're lying to each other and lying to ourselves we've isolated our honest feelings. We've really isolated our souls, and we've trapped ourselves in these prisons of loneliness that have lies for bars, and outside of those bars are more bars that society has set up and that all of our friends have set up, so that even if we wanted to break through our cages of loneliness, there's everyone else's bars to go through.
And because I've broken through, (or mainly, still working on that), I'm lonely. Because once you get outside, there's no one else around, it's just a bunch of fucking bars. I look around and I see a big huge field of cages and every once in a while I'll see a hand reach out or I'll catch a glimpse through the bars at someone's true self, but suddenly a new bar comes because they see someone walking around, someone not in a cage and it fucking scares them.
Here I am in this valley of prisoners and everyone's all locked up inside their little cages surrounded by lies and I'm lonely and I'm outside and I'm waiting for someone else, for anyone else really. To just fucking get out, just break through, I'm not going to say it's not hard, it is hard, and you may lose friends but thats good, it means that you're moving forward. It means that you're slowly leaving behind all the other cages, and that's what I'm going to fucking do!
I'm going to keep moving and I'm going to walk forward, because I know that this big huge field, this plateau of all these rotten cages, this is not it, there's more. There is a place where there's people who are free, and they get to live in paradise and that's where I'm going. I'm going to break off my last few bars and I'm going to go there, and it's just going to be a whole group of people who are honest and true. I'm going to meet them, and we're going to share ourselves, like society has taught us not to.
I may be the only one right now, at least that I know of, but times are changing, and it's onwards and it's upwards, or it's jail. And I'm not going to stay here while everyone surrounds themselves with lies, and other people's lies and society's lies. I'm not going to do it, fuck that.
I know this sounds crazy, and you're probably thinking who the fuck does she think she is and why isn't she in a psych ward, but it's a metaphor god damnit! We all need to be more honest with each other, but mainly ourselves. If you want to break out of your cage, I want to know. I want to help, because honestly, I'm lonely out here.
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